Okay. So this will for sure be THEE LONGEST POST I have ever done in the history of my Roxy Marj Blog! I didn't write the long letter below that you are about to read.. but I do have to say that I wish I was as good of a writer as this lady Megan Benton who wrote the letter [Jender, does she have a blog/website?] On Tuesday, I happened to come across this blog:
Being Miss Jendar which instantly caught my attention. Most of you know that I am part of the LDS [Mormon] religion which I mention on here from time to time, AND that I recently got married [for the 2nd time] in the LDS Temple. My ex-husband however, was not Mormon and we did not get married in the Temple. So I have kind of been on both sides....[this info makes sense after you read the letter] I love what Megan has to say to her friend Jender [I copied the letter from Jender's blog, with permission] because of the points she makes about marriage and being Mormon. What I got from her letter was that it doesn't matter if you get married in or out of the Mormon temple but rather the kind of person you marry. There are just as many happy non-religious couples as there are religious couples. IT IS SOOO TRUE! Just because one is religious does not automatically mean you are better than someone who is not, AND being religious does not promise a happier life! I personally am religious and go to the LDS church because I believe it to be the best life learning institution for ME, and that will help me be a better person. Going to church every Sunday for a couple hours isn't always easy, and some weeks isn't always something I look forward to doing...just like when I was in College...BUT I kept going to my classes in college every week because #1 I was paying for it, but more importantly #2 I was learning how to be better at something. It would not makes sense to go my Digital Design class once a month or even once a year...If I did that, I would be learning the same thing I learned the first day over and over again. Does that make sense? Annnyways, enough of that.... Megan is way more eloquent with her thoughts on this subject.
Here is
Jender pictured with friends, she is in the middle. Totally Darling if you ask me! :)
Megan's letter to Jender:
"To my dear friend Jendar and her other readers who are struggling with finding Mormon boys to date, and have realized they may be happy marrying a nonmber:
First, I'm going to refer you to a podcast I listen to called "The Round Table." Get it on itunes, and listen to the July episodes. It's a podcast that discusses LDS Womens issues, by women. And it's not put out by the Church, so people will talk straight and reveal what they really struggle with. They talk about improving our marriages and spiritual issues in marriage, and they hold an interview with a woman who married a nonmember. She is happy with her husband and her marriage. Also, I want you to check out the "Mormon Women Project" blog, because it gives spotlight profiles on women who are doing amazing things in the face of real challenges, or breaking molds in Mormonism. Also, I want you to google "Joanna Brooks Ask Mormon Girl" and "Feminist Mormon Housewives" and the "Exponent II." They are all rockstar resources for getting to know your other LDS sisters in a way you never realized you could.
Lastly, if everything I say in this blog doesn't resonate with you, then by all means keep dating members of the Church and get yourself some online dating memberships. You can meet people you wouldn't have otherwise met through your weekly Church activities. Lots of people in the LDS Church are shy about it. Don't be. Consider 1 in 5 relationships today start from meeting online. That's 20%, pretty significant.
Here are my thoughts about dating nonmembers. Keep in mind that I am undergoing a faith transition. In other words, my beliefs in religion are becoming less literal and historical and much more symbolic in nature. So I'm coming at this from a liberal Mormon perspective. I realize that not everyone is comfortable with that. I was not, even 2 years ago. That being said, I would love for our church to get less focused on why we are Mormon, and why that is so great and more focused on how to make our characters Christ-like. I want us to stop focusing on why we are the best church in the world, and instead talk about how we as Christians can become more loving people. How to use some of our creative energies for real social problems. I believe there's a lot of beautiful doctrine in our church, but if we just focus on things like why we are so great, then we are becoming like the Pharisees. There's a lot that other religions have to offer.
What does that have to do with marriage? Well, I feel like our discussions on marriage in church have a lot more with getting yourself to the temple so you can be righteous. I think it would be earlier to talk about how do I live with this other person from day to day and be happy? In the global church, not that many women are married to members of the Church.
In the church in America, we're all about getting to the temple, and getting there NOW. We hear about a couple that "just" got civilly married and we hear oh, what a tragedy. Um, hello? That's a WEDDING that just happened! Two people are in love and just publicly declared monogamy! That's a BIG DEAL!
When we focus on spiritual compatability from a purely ceremonial perspective then yes, we have problems. But what about what happens day in and day out of your marriage? It's not just a matter of, does this person keep the commandments? We as humans are so much more complex than that. Meaningful relationships and bonds take place between all kinds of people, not just the so-called "Righteous Mormons." Consider this: most marriages outside of the Church are mixed-faith. I don't know how faith problems factor into their relationships, but many people manage to stay together even though they come from different faith backgrounds. Sometimes it's a matter of one spouse coming to the other's church to make them happy. Others it's a matter of raising the kids in a certain tradition. The point is, lots of other people do it. And their families don't seem to be bemoaning their poor lost souls the way that many Mormon families do.
I think that the way that we talk about marriage preparation in the Church leaves a lot of room for spiritual coersion in marriage relationships. And I think that's wrong. Let me give you an example. I recently had dinner with some other women in my ward, and a woman who I hadn't known just opened up to us and said her husband didn't let her use birth control. She's been married maybe two years and is already expecting her second child. She loves her babies but she seemed stressed. She goes to school and it sounds like she's the primary caregiver of her babies, because her husband works and studies too. Plus he sounds pretty traditional. She approached the bishop about her problem with her husband about the birth control. But our bishop refused to talk to her husband. I think that is wrong, and shouldn't happen. This woman's husband has spiritual justification for his actions: being the breadwinner, the priesthood holder, and some really old-fashioned Church doctrine about birth-control to boot. Has this man been taught in priesthood about equal partnership in his marriage? Probably, but he is taking the spiritual doctrine that he likes. As does, I might add, everyone, whether you fall on the conservative or liberal side of interpretation. Even the general authorities have different approaches on topics, and represent a broad spectrum of opinion. Google the talk "Liahona Mormon" and you'll read about how two different prophets of our church had different opinions on evolution. So, in other words, in all marriages, whether it's between two hippy-dippies living in Berkley who do naked yoga on Sundays, or two conservative Ultra Orthodox Jews living in Queens, there are differences in how the partners experience and express their spirituality. You want a partner who respects your spiritual path and does not guilt you into doing things their own way. The late Sister Chieko Okazaki, who recently passed, was a Japanese-American living in Hawaii when she converted to the gospel at age 15. She married a nonmember, but was completely respectful of his spiritual path and did not force him to come with her. Later he joined the Church. She later served in the General Relief Society Presidency in the 90s. Even if her husband had not converted, Sis. Okazaki would have, I have no doubt, had a tremendous spiritual ministry and influence on people.
Here's another thing to consider: it's really hard to find priesthood holders to date because they are leaving the Church. It's because they're finding out things about Church history online that is really difficult to deal with. Or they're unhappy with the Church because it doesn't speak to them in some way or another. It's happening with women too, but at a slower pace. In any case, I'm just saying that many people are faced these days with a spouse who leaves the Church. Or maybe you have are faced with wanting to stay in the Church or not. There are other really faith-testing trials that people go through that break their marriages. Lots of LDS couples get divorced. A temple sealing is not a stamp of approval from God than exempts you from all trials and a fast-pass to the Celestial Kingdom. You will be faced with trials you never expected. But the love you have for your spouse can be a relief. When both spouses approach their trials in a compatible way and can keep respect for each other through it, that keeps them together. Check out "The 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work" by the Gottman Institute. I suggested it to my mother who is a Relief Society president currently, and she commented to me how many wives in her relief society are having marital trouble and publicly bash their husbands. Not exactly marital bliss.
Ultimately what I'm saying is, you should fall in love and enjoy your marriage. I enjoy being married. I love my husband. He is adorable and completely his own person. Mormonism has bonded us together in kind of an unexpected way: we look for the spiritual edification that speaks to us in ways that touch our hearts and try to shuff off the self-congratulatory or bullying dogma. It can be a challenge. I have to really pay attention that I'm putting my faith in the big things like Christ, the atonement, forgiveness, loving our neighbors. If we were to get caught up in what I call the surface things or even "certain personality things" of Mormonism like facial hair or caffeine or movie ratings, we would go crazy. We know what works for us and that's what matters.
People change in all kinds of ways: they change their hair, their weight, their careers, their hobbies, their health, even their faith. Hell, people can even change their genitals. Our beliefs are constantly evolving and being challenged. Do you experience your faith the way you did when you were a kid? Should we experience faith the same way we did when we were in Laurels? No, we are constantly developing. That makes me realize how human my Mormon belief system is. That makes me ask myself, am I a Mormon first or a human? I think I'm a human first. And so is your spouse, and so are the prophets.
Good luck Jendar, and to all your readers. I wish you the best. No matter what your marriage decisions are, I will celebrate with you."
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What do you think about that letter? Whether you are Mormon or not, I am so curious to hear your thoughts! One last thing before I forget.... Susan over at Freshly Picked just introduced me to Babble, heard of it? I was just browsing through some photos and came across this picture of Abby's kitchen wall covered in bundt pans!!! OH MY INSPIRING! When Jesse and I move into a house someday, I just gotta do this in our kitchen!
