Sep 10, 2011

Should you be doing something really awesome right now but for whatever reason you procrastinate the crass out of it?  This past month or so I have been battling those mini "you're not good enough or nobody will like it demons" and the bottom line is.... if you don't do it [even if you think it could be the lamest thing in the world] then yes, you are right, no one will like it because they will never see what you wanted to start.  +++ MEGAPHONE TO MOUTH : Stop being scared!!! That's really what this is all about is the fear of trying things...but even more importantly, the fear of failure. The fear of rejection. Who want's to be rejected? Certainly not you or I.... My good friend Emily and I were talking about this the other night...and she said it perfectly..."if you don't ever try, then you just rejected yourself!" I love that, and it is sooo true. Both Emily and I talked about leaving a legacy that night....since then however, I have been thinking about all the legacies I would like to leave and one of them would be to start a non-profit organization to help all those fearing people [me] achieve their dreams. This organization would have mentors from every successful walk of life, who genuinely want to see people become successful and see them through it from start to finish. For me, I let my thoughts [sometimes] get the best of me, and then everything becomes so overwhelming AND THEN I start to panic.

 I don't like the feeling of anxiety...when I was in college I had two panic attacks, the first one "paralyzed" me for over 20 min...and the paramedics and firemen had to uncurl my fingers, hands, and legs...I actually thought I was having a seizure at the time. What I remember of that night was that my head was tilted back, my mouth open wide, my arms up and around my head, I couldn't feel or move my body and I felt like I was falling into a black hole. I started thinking about what if I could never use my hands again and then I started crying and panicking best friend Sarah witnessed all this [it happened at her apt.] and I tried my hardest to tell her to call 911. It was the scariest experience I have ever had in my life. This panic attacked drained everything from me to the point where I couldn't walk on my own for two days. I felt like a baby dear who gets up for the time and crumbles back down. I also couldn't sleep soundly for about 4 days because my mind was racing so fast. The night after my panic attack happened I remember laying in my bed thinking over and over about the can opener in the kitchen, and I couldn't remember what it looked like and how it operated...I then cried over this and my sister [whom I lived with at the time] came into the bedroom asking if I was okay...I asked her to bring the can opener to me so I could stop these ultra high-speed thoughts of mine....but then it would move onto something else.  : / I eventually got better and got back into my routine again.... Then the following year [my senior year at Parsons] it happened again, however...this time I could actually feel it coming on because I knew what signs to look for. Luckily it didn't involve an ambulance again.  I have not had any major panic attacks since school which is a blessing...but I do get mini ones every couple months. The only way to control them is to control your thoughts... thinking rationally AND being kind to yourself as well as being realistic, is the medicine. I know I will be okay, I am not worried of another crazy episode....but what started this whole thing in the first place was fear. It was the fear of me not getting my homework done in time.....and then my thoughts spiraled out of control.

Imagine if we didn't have fear and if we were comfortable with failure and it wasn't even an issue in our lives. Yeah, if we fail, then we just keep doing it again and again until it works. This world, OUR COUNTRY would be a completely different place. It would probably be 100x cooler than the coolness it already is!!! :-[)

Anyways, back to a legacy I want leave behind. I want to make it to a place in my life that I feel confident enough to help those around me germinate their ideas, help them see through the complications and/or confusion of whether it's starting a business, volunteering, or learning how to do something new. I really want to see myself, and those around me succeed. Even if it means that my friends succeed before me first and I don't succeed till I am 70! But the look on someone's face of accomplishment is such a neat thing. It's a total addiction.

Wanna know what started this whole rant? I was just browsing through etsy and came across the shop Rorschach and saw this designer's mini zip wallet, made from a print he/she [?] designed and then I thought..."Roxy, what is keeping you from going all the way with putting your prints into textiles?" I have been designing prints for years now and the fact that I don't have them professionally on fabric [I have made hand printed/painted fabric] to buy is purely because of fear. :( I am embarrassed to admit that...but that is who I am, I wear my heart on my sleeve on this blog and as well as in person. I am an honest person even if it makes me look like a fool. Today, I look like a fool. :]

I am inspired by this designer:

Rorschach mini zip wallet $18

Rorschach pebbled checkered scarf $57


Are you inspired by anyone? Do you have this same fear? : /


elsa bags said...

did you take yourself off Facebook? i was trying to link you to my blog but couldn't find your name.

ROXY MARJ said...

Nicole! I did indeed take myself off of facebook...I think back in March?? I don't remember exactly when, but it was awhile ago. :) I just saw your post about my plates! :-[) You are soo kind, thank you so much for doing that! xo

dqb said...

I Love all you posts! I've been in the same road. I know how it feels. keep moving Roxy!
Dominique from Argenitna

olivia said...

hello there, i am a long-time follower of your amazingness—not sure when/how I found you but I know it was before you had Instagram and I kept checking to see when you'd join. :) Your paintings giveaway has brought me back to your blog and I stumbled upon this post. It was so fun to read! A lot of it (not the panic attacks, thankfully—how scary!) encompassed the way I feel and have felt for a long time about DOING something with my talents, and failing because of fear! I LOVED what your friend said about rejecting yourself. I need to remember that.

I so admire your work and your style and wish I could work with you someday to learn how you do it. If you ever start up that non-profit mentoring program, do let me know! ;)

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