Lately I have been searching for really good illustration agencies to represent me. One of which I REALLY like is Heart Agency & I finally heard back from them today. They emailed saying that they aren't interested in representing me..... :( You know something.... I am totally bummed, and I will be honest...when I read things like that pertaining to my work it just makes me want to give up on everything all together. I think about those people who seem to get everything they work on soooo easily. It is weird. Why? Why do some people struggle more than others? I wish there was an answer to that question, but there is not. Yesterday in church, this girl who is new in my ward was giving a talk in Sacrament and was talking about how she had just graduated from BYU-Idaho and was trying to decide whether or not she should stay in Idaho or move to Utah and that this was a REALLY big decision for her [I confess...I was laughing to myself and thinking, this is a BIG decision for you?] anyways after weeks of weighing out the pros and cons and praying about it, she decided to move to Salt Lake City. The day she packed her car up and got ready to get on the road, she got a call from a company that she applied for a job through and they told her they would like to hire her. She then went on to say that she knew for sure her decision to move to Salt Lake was the right one. I have heard a dozen or so stories like this in the past year. And then I find myself analyzing ME and wondering...what am I doing wrong? Why does it seem like I have been in a never.ending.marathon?! I have heard and experienced that when someone looses a loved one or goes through a divorce [divorce for me] that there are 5 stages of grief and loss = 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance +++ I have to admit that my divorce compared to some of my friends was pretty mild....and those 5 stages didn't happen soon after...it took a looong time for it to actually sink in.

Isn't funny how things work out? I really feel like my second time around here in Utah has felt like the stages of grief and loss, and I think [ I HOPE ] I am now at the acceptance stage. And have come to fully realize, that everything I put my heart and soul into isn't going to be excepted by everyone, no matter how AWESOME I think my work is! hahaha lol... A couple things that do keep my pushing forward though is the knowledge of knowing that hundreds of well known/famous artists, musicians, writers, entrepreneurs etc. all went through rejection. Not just once but many many times! My mom is a great example of this. Back in the late 80's early 90's she and her business partner and co/author Pauline Hatch wrote a book together called "It's Here Somewhere" I remember my mom telling me when I was younger how many rejections she and Pauline got from publishing houses. Finally after about 50! or so, Readers Digest picked it up and published it! I love that my mom and Pauline kept per-suing what they believed in and knew what they were really good at >>> ORGANIZATION! Had they given up
after the 10th, 20th publisher...they would have had nothing. I also believe we are only given challenges that "the man above" knows we can handle. And looking at the glass half full, I think I can handle being rejected many times... 100 times...1,000 times! [oh dear GOD PLEASE don't let it be 1,000! heheh lol]

But seriously:

The reason why I even write about this and bare my soul to you all [believe me, I feel like a total retard announcing things like "I GOT REJECTED!] is that I like to write about the up's & downs of my process in trying to become an established illustrator. It is my hope that those of you who may be experiencing the same situations as I, will feel a little better and know that this doesn't last forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...and some people's tunnels are shorter than others. That is just how it is & as confused as I might be at times and ask why? and a little sulky...........overall...it is okay... It is! :)


p.s. Happy 61st Birthday Mom! I love & admire you so much! You have done and will continue to do amazing things! You have accomplished a lot and have raised some awesome kids! <- FYI, I have COOL brothers & sisters you guys! I do! ;[)