Unfortunately, Roxy’s internet has been in a state of disrepair for a about week now. I imagine there are hordes of you lying in a sleepless heap next to your computers with bags under your eyes and no idea what kind of broach you should get or what artistic thing you should look at next. I would have this problem myself, but every time I’m in need of a broach, I just call Roxy and ask for her advice. Now I have hundreds of the finest broaches money can buy. But for those of you without the luxury of personal contact with Roxy, I can understand what you must be going through. First, I want to put your fears to rest, Roxy will be back very soon. Today, I am your substitute blogger. I promise you, I am completely inadequate for the job. For example, Roxy is the type of gal who eats non-processed foods and hangs lots of nice-looking, unique things on her wall. Craig is the type of guy who eats chili dogs pretty much every day and has a Spider Man comforter on his bed.

I’m like that hip substitute teacher who would show up every now and then, and you’d have a great time for about one hour. Then, after the third round of team-building exercises, you started to realize you might have made a terrible mistake.

Anyway, my plan is to post one-hour’s worth of fun followed by a video of me singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun." We’ll see how far into this plan I actually get.

                 

The other day, Roxy told me about two sections of craigslist I’d never really looked at before. First, the “strictly platonic” section: The best thing about the strictly platonic section is that it is mostly filled with suspicious men seeking "strictly platonic" relationships with women. Apparently, there are loads of men out there thinking, “You know what I need in my life? A nice girl who I can hang out with platonically…yes…totally platonically…in my house...alone.” For example, there is a guy from Salt Lake City who has tickets to see Paul McCartney and just wants a friend to platonically go with him. He very reasonably, and platonically, lists some of his requirements as “NO GUYS OKAY!!!??” “The lady must be nice looking,” and she must “wanna have a great time.” I imagine this platonic relationship is near full bloom at this point. They will certainly be best pals forever.

On the other hand, if you are a man looking to make platonic friendships with other men, no need to fear. There are plenty of men seeking to be platonic pals with you. For example this man, also in the Salt Lake platonic ads, who was wondering if you could “recommend a cheap hotel or hostel” and describes himself as a “Beefy Guy” who is “5'11 205lbs w/big hairy pecs.” If there is one thing I’ve truly missed in my platonic male friends, it is that none of them have big hairy pecs adequate to my taste. This man certainly brings something platonic to the table. And what’s more, he lists some other qualities: “I’m openminded and aim to please-sub or dom.” Oh, the platonic times he will have with his new friend.

The second section of craigslist Roxy recently told me about was the “missed connections” section: This section is for people who apparently had some sort of “connection” with a stranger, missed their opportunity to hit it off, and are hoping the mysterious target of their affection will see their ad and respond. I feel like these ads can pretty much describe anyone. For example, here is a man describing a guy he recently missed a connection with in New York City: “you just started in the office today, I think your name is antonio. you're hot. good looking and very discreet here. we made eye contact several times during the day.” If I had recently gotten a new job and my name was Antonio, or Tony, or Anthony, or Andy, or pretty much any name, I would be frantically searching the rest of my office for another man giving me the eye. Sure, I could answer the ad…or I could just wait until I discover which man in the office hates capitalization.

Another New York City missed connection ad calls out to the girl he saw carrying a stripper pole. I imagine this happens all the time. Guys are just lounging around, minding their own business, some girl with a stripper pole walks by and they realize she is the woman they've been looking for all this time. Still, this is probably one of the most successful efforts at being specific. If this girl is out there, certainly she will recognize herself as the carrier of the stripper pole. Then again, I’ve never lived in New York City. Maybe there are people carrying stripper poles all over the place. Those stripper poles aren’t going to get to their locations by themselves, after all. His final comment and request is: “you seem awesome. teach me how to pole dance.” Meanwhile, I have wasted my entire life trying to convince people I am awesome through other means. All for nothing. I plan on toting around a stripper pole from now on.

Anyway, I think that pretty much wraps up my substitute blogging. Again, I want to reassure you that Roxy will soon be back with all her wisdom. She won’t leave you artless for long. Until then, you can always make some new, platonic friends.

To read Craig Blake's blog ....click HERE :)